Top 5 Things That Piss Me Off While Driving

Number 5: When someone stops 10-15 feet away from the car in front of them at a red light.


-WHY? I don’t at all understand why people do this and I’ve allowed myself to lose sleep over coming up with a reason. Is it because you saw a red light so you just stopped where you were and started playing with your phone? Did you leave 15 feet in the event that the car behind you somehow didn’t realize the light was red and you have room to move up so you don’t get hit? If you do this please for the love of God explain why.


Number 4: People that NEVER signal


-This drives me fucking mental. When I approach a stop sign and the driver in the opposite lane at their stop sign doesn’t have their signal on of course I’m going to assume they’re going straight, but of course this isn’t always the case. In fact, assuming anything while driving is a bad idea. There are so many ignorant morons on the road that make driving frustrating. Really is it that fucking hard to flick your wrist to turn a goddamn signal on?


Number 3: Those family decals


-I fucking HATE these with such an intense passion. Have you ever stopped to think that I don’t give a fuck about your family? What happens when your dog dies? Or what happens when your husband leaves you because you put stupid decals on the van? What if your kid is retarded? Are there Down Syndrome stickers? This fad is one of the stupidest I’ve seen since everyone wore those “Cat in the Hat” hats in 1996.


Number 2: Constant lane changers.


-Jerry Seinfeld refers to these people as “Constantly re-evaluating their lane choice,” but I call them douche bags. We’ve all seen these assholes and if you haven’t them guess what? You’re one of those assholes. These morons weave in and out of traffic on the highway putting people in danger only to reach their destination 5 minutes sooner. Then they do this on main streets and all they accomplish is reaching the next red light first. You’re a moron and you don’t belong on the road.


Number 1: People riding their bikes on major streets like Yonge and Bathurst.


-These people are the lowest form of human life. Ok that might be a stretch. It goes Pedophiles, rapists then these dickheads on their bikes, then murderers. Why MUST you ride on streets with a speed limit of 60KM or faster? What’s wrong with using side streets that have far less traffic than major roads? Is the pavement used on Yonge Street from a distant magical world? Was the road paved by fairies that grant wishes to those who ride their bikes on it? Does it feel like riding on a cloud? NO it fucking doesn’t! Pavement is pavement and a road is a road. Why in the fuck should I have to be extra cautious while passing you while driving 70KMs on Bathurst? I already have to look out for the other shit drivers on the road and by that I of course mean women and Asians. Just kidding ladies, but not really. Get the fuck off major roads and stick with side streets. There is NO difference between the two! Have some common sense! You’re not a superstar, you’re not training for the Tour De France and you’re never going to be in the Olympics. If you want to ride your bike on major roads so fucking badly then get a motorcycle and ride without a helmet so we can rid you of this world. A bit too far? Maybe. Oh and by the way dickheads, if you’re riding on the road you have to stop at stop signs too! Fucking pricks


Well that’s my 5 cents. Thanks for not reading.


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My Twitter Experience

My Twitter Experience.

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My Twitter Experience

I joined @twitter in September 2012 and for the last week I’ve been extremely active on and learned some very interesting things. Getting a response from a celebrity feels awesome and can become addicting. I notice that a tweet from @katyperry gets over 200 favourites and 300 retweets… IN ONE MINUTE. I don’t know if that’s fake accounts or drones doing it, but that’s an insane amount of favourites and retweets in a 60 second span. I notice people begging @hulkhogan for retweets or pleading with @jenna_marbles to follow them. The worst of the bunch are the losers replying to a porn star’s tweets (or just some random girl that posted a #teasetuesday pic) calling her gorgeous expecting what exactly? Do you think she’s going to reply to you wanting to suck your cock? #Chilloutbro! Look at the pic, stroke one out and move on. Don’t reply with some lame ass pick-up line expecting a reaction. You want a girl to suck you dick? @craigslist or the last pages of @thetorontosun are where you want to look; not on @twitter.

I will admit that one time… ONE TIME… I asked a celebrity to RT a birthday message to a buddy of mine. @realrobbwells instantly retweeted the birthday wish making mine and my friend’s day. As awesome as it was having Ricky from #trailerparkboys take 2 seconds of his day just for me, it won’t become common practise. I got caught up in a moment; what can I say?

 Chirping is a lot of fun, but only when you’re chirping people that you know. Tweeting, “@justinbieber is a faggot” is one of the most moronic things I see on twitter. Really? REALLY? REALLLLLLLLLLLLLY? Do you honestly think that Bieber gives a fuck that you think he’s a fag? In fact I doubt he even controls his @twitter account and the tweet you thought was so funny was completely ignored and only you and one or two of your friends think that it’s funny. I choose to chirp my 16 year old brother about celebrating a 10 month anniversary or busting a friend’s balls about something stupid he did the day before. If you want to chirp, do it right and chirp with love.

I’ll admit that when @fearless_fred started on @the_edge I was not a fan. Something about him rubbed me the wrong way, but I kept listening. As each day went by I kept liking him more and more and more. I then realized how much I had in common with Fred and become a big fan. I’ve noticed that Fred has been responding to fans of his on @twitter making me an even bigger fan of his. I made a comment when I heard a #goodideabadidea segment about a guy that stole a $26000 bottle of scotch and questioned how booze can even cost 26 grand. @fearless_fred shot me a great response saying any alcohol that touches Prince’s lips would bring in 30 grand. Keep it up Fred, you’re a beauty.

The best thing about twitter is interacting with local celebrities (or big ones). I asked @brentbutt if he had any plans for a tour in #toronto and got a response saying “yes… three weeks ago.” I burst out laughing when I first saw it, and I laughed just as loud right now as I recall the tweet. Brent didn’t have to respond to me at all, but he did and he does it often for his fans. He doesn’t just quickly RT and call it a day either. @brentbutt puts some actual thought into his replies to his fans and I respect that so much. I’m sure Brent is a busy guy and when he has free time he gives back to his fans.

@gerrydee was fielding questions about his hilarious sitcom @mrd_on_cbc and answered mine. I said how great his show was, and then asked if my previous “suck up” tweet was enough to get extra chips for an @pokerstars tournament. I was just having some fun; Gerry saw that and gave me a response. It meant nothing to him to take the 4 seconds to write me a reply, but to me it was an interaction I won’t forget.

Last year I went to see @gerrydee in #markham and that’s where I was introduced to @mark_forward, not physically introduced of course, I mean I was introduced to his brand of comedy, which touches my funny bone ever so gently, yet with enough force to let me know that it’s there. I started to follow Mark and enjoyed his offbeat tweets with his unique brand of humour. He started a podcast and once I realized what a podcast was (yes I live under a rock); I retweeted every time he or @markforwardpod would tweet a shout out advertising the podcast. I love stand-up comedy and I want to see @mark_forward succeed because he brings something different to the table. Mark noticed that I RT and comment on his podcasts. He responds, favourites my tweets and recognizes that I’m a fan. It’s the little things that make all the difference. Am I suck up? I understand how some people see it that way, but I’m a fan of @mark_forward and if I can help him out by retweeting his podcast then I’m happy to do it. He takes the time to respond to me so why can’t I take the time to RT? By the way, listen to the @markforwardpod.

 So thus ends my first blog that no one is ever going to read. After I wrote this blog it took me all night to decide if I was even going to post it or not. Who in the fuck is Greg Hutton and why should I care about anything he has to say? I honestly don’t have an answer to that question. I’ve made peace with the fact that no one will ever read this and I decided to not let it get me down. It’s highly likely that if I write 1000 blogs I won’t get any reads or comments and I’m fine with that. I enjoy writing and I’ll continue to write a weekly blog even if I’m the only person that’ll ever read them.

 That’s my 2 cents; take it or leave it. Here’s a thought I just had, since the penny is discontinued is it now putting in your 5 cents?

 Thanks for reading (hopefully at least one human other than my mom does) and please comment to tell me how much I suck so I can try to suck less next week.



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